A Year Like No Other
by Ashley Ariñez on January 12, 2019 in Mom
Today I sang a Christmas song to my daughter before her nap. The holidays have all passed and I’m still feeling the joy that usually ends on December 25 at 9:59pm.
Oh, what song? It’s “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” and for some reason she thinks it is best sung by me right before she closes her eyes. Any other song is greeted by her whining and fake tears. I really do need to try out for The Voice next season.
But, seriously, one year ago, you wouldn’t have found a sight similar to today’s.
One year ago, I was in the middle of an ugly fight with postpartum depression. I would sing the most pitiful version of “You Are My Sunshine” to my girl and more often than not it would be with tears streaming down my face.
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I won’t lie, the last six months have been a blissful and painful challenge for me. I’ve been tested in new ways, but I’ve also dedicated more time to what matters: God, my family and my writing. I’m not sure what the next six months will hold or how long we’ll call St. Louis home, but I’m learning to seek him and hold on to a good [God] thing when I find it.
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Over the last five months, I’ve come to find some notable differences between our old states and our new state. Yet, it wasn’t until our first “real” snow fall that I’ve really noticed stark changes.
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As the trees and the temperature remind us that the holidays are near, I know you’re reminded about something else, too. It’s another season without your child by your side. It’s another season when you’re faced with times that should be full of joy and peace, but there are little reminders of what you’re missing out on . . . again.
During that moment in time, I had been off of my medication for postpartum anxiety and depression for just over four months and after a few rough days at the beginning, I felt back to normal. I was handling chaotic life moments in stride and I was able to talk out my feelings once again. I wasn’t crying in the shower or biting off my husband’s head when he asked how my day had been for the umpteenth time. I felt good.
Until that positive.
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Our Christmas decorations are finally up!
The house is warm.
Some cookies are baking.
My two favorite people in the world are within arms reach.
And, yet, I’m not feeling very joyful right now. I think some of you may feel the same.
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