She Was His Before She Was Mine

“She was yours before she was mine.”

We were driving to the Medical University of South Carolina when I kept those words on repeat in my head. I had my hand wrapped around my three-day-olds tiny fist and stared at her small features while my husband drove and my mom sat in the front of my car on the interstate. 

After three previous losses, a challenging pregnancy and even more daunting labor and delivery, this was not supposed to be happening. 

We were supposed to be in our home catching up on sleep and baby cuddles. We were not supposed to be rushing to the hospital after a calm, but urgent, phone call from our pediatrician. It was jaundice and our girl’s bilirubin number was way too high after that morning’s blood work.

So, I know jaundice is common, but how I wish it wasn’t. How I wish that these babies didn’t have to sit under blue lights and be away from their parent’s touch. How I wish that we didn’t have to stay in the hospital for a couple of days and hear that her number was going up instead of down. How I wish that I hadn’t asked the doctor what the worst case scenario was if her number didn’t come down. How I wish I hadn’t heard “brain damage”.

“She was yours before she was mine.”

Slowly the anger crept to the surface as I repeated these words again. I started wondering if God saw everything we had been through the last couple of years. Did he even care that his daughter was down here crying for his other daughter while her little organs worked overtime to clear her system. Did he care that she was being poked and prodded and observed by medical students and teams of doctors and nurses. Did he care that she was his before she was mine.

He did. He cared. He saw us. He intervened when it was time. He didn’t fail us and he never will.

Let that sink in for a moment.

He will never fail us.

Have there been times when you felt as if God was failing you? Maybe you don’t even believe in God?

Oh, let me tell you something, there have been days when the only way I was able to continue on in this life was by grasping on to a truth that was shared hundreds upon hundreds of years ago. It is purely by faith that I can walk through the darkest paths this world has to offer because I know that before I was formed I was his. It is only by faith that I was able to put my precious girl’s life in his hands and the hands of the medical professionals he placed before u It is only by faith that I have been able to overcome depression and anxiety. It is only by faith that I have been able to find peace in that our three previous losses could be used for good. It is only by faith that I have been able to find a peace that transcends this life.

So, friend, let me leave you with this:
You were his before the dawn of time.
You were his before the stars glimmered.
You were his before the waves ever crashed.
You are his and he is waiting for you.

Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

 Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

all the days ordainedd for me were written in your book 

before one of them came to be.