Our Month

Any surgeries in the last year?

Yes, D&C.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

And, with that my podiatrist’s medical assistant left the exam room.

And, that’s all it took for the tears to build. I knew I only had five minutes, at the most, to furiously blink to dry my eyes. I cleared my throat and sat up straight. I was not going to cry to my podiatrist as he looked at my fractured foot. No, I was not going to give in to the tears. I was not going to look at the calendar.  Nope. Not Happening.  Not today.

But, it happened.  I thought about the milestones that would have been met by now. I thought about how big my belly would be. I thought about the Halloween costumes we would have purchased. I thought about the “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that I wanted on our tree.  I thought about my babies. Babies.

Then I cried.  I sat in a restroom stall at work and cried. After a few minutes, I pulled out my bag and re-applied my makeup. Then, I sat for a few more minutes to let the redness on my face subside a bit. And, finally, I stood up and limped back to my desk. I hate my boot. I then proceeded to be in a terrible mood for the next few hours and I blamed it all on my foot. My foot and this stupid boot.

And, then I talked to my Jesus.

President Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  He said, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

And there isn’t. There is no word to describe us. There is no word given to mothers and fathers who struggle with multiple miscarriages, stillborn babies and babies who pass at such young ages. There is none. Yet, we have an entire month dedicated to our pain and the little ones that have come and gone. I know I’m very appreciative for this month that it’s okay to talk about our loss. I know I’m appreciative of the fact that others are aware that this does happen. We have an entire month that we can help educate others while finding community with those who have experienced the same pain.

But, again it’s only one month. The other 11 months, we see adorable baby announcements and proud baby bumps. We see it and we rejoice with our friends and even from afar with the stranger in the Target line. Other days, we see it and we hurt for ourselves.  We remember that our bump didn’t grow as much or that our baby didn’t get to see their first birthday.  This, my friends, simply saddens us.  It’s not jealousy or anger. It’s not frustration or indifference. We simply remember our baby and the future that never came. In those moments, it can some times become unbearable to even see a pregnant momma and being in the same room. . .well, that’s usually when I excuse myself with a, “Oh, I forgot this over here.” Please never misinterpret those moments in a negative manner.  I know that for me it’s simply a coping mechanism. I need time to acknowledge my feelings and then find the best way to move forward.

So, here we are just days away from October 15. Days away from National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

A day that I’ll probably sit in silence a bit more. A day that I’ll probably cry a bit more.  A day that I’ll look at the ultrasound for a few seconds longer. A day that I’ll remember all of the babies we have all lost.

It will also be a day that I rejoice in the fact that the Lord blessed us with babies at all. We felt that excitement when we heard the heartbeats. We felt that excitement when we picked out names. We know God gives and we know He takes away. We know that even though we deal with weakness here. . .we will one day be made new only by His grace.  It’ll only be by His grace that we are reunited with our babies again. In that we can rejoice. It’s not easy to rejoice when the tears stream down your face, but it’s there.  I assure you that it’s there, friends.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

1 Corinthians 12:9

Now, friends, will you pray for us over the coming days, months, and even years? You don’t need to know our names – all you need to know is that we have lost a child. Your prayers mean more than anything else during these times. Hugs are okay, too.

In God’s Love,

Ash

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