Namaste Mamí – Finding Jesus & Yoga

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

Y’all, I have found yoga. Well, I’ve actually had yoga in my life for the last year or so. I don’t get too crazy with it and I’m not exactly consistent with it, but I have found yoga. I’ve even made M come down on all fours for downward dog a few times.

This has been a pretty tough pregnancy.  Well, the first 18 weeks were tough and at times scary; yet, I didn’t find myself crying or worked up in a frenzy.

Instead of jumping into the negative like. . .

I focus on the now. Well, that was until yesterday in my first Prenatal Mind & Body class in downtown Charleston.

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Resting in Jesus & Waiting for Baby

Have you ever rested in Jesus? Simply rested in His promises and love?

When we lost our last baby, that’s all we could do.  As a couple, we relied on one another to wipe our tears.  As believers, we relied on Him to fill our hearts with understanding and gratitude. In those months, our faith grew. Our understanding of how good God is grew.  Our love for Him grew.

There were still times of sadness.  There were still times where we struggled with wanting our plans to become reality. But, at the end of those days we simply rested in Him.

Then, one Sunday I asked one of our Brothers at Northwood to pray for me to be better at giving it to Him. Thank you, JP Totuszysnki.

Positive

That entire week I was restless and felt the need to take a test. Lord, if you know it’s going to hurt me just take this feeling away. I’ll be okay with not taking one, but help me put this feeling aside. Nope, the feeling just stayed there.  I finally caved and took a test.

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Our Month

Any surgeries in the last year?

Yes, D&C.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

And, with that my podiatrist’s medical assistant left the exam room.

And, that’s all it took for the tears to build. I knew I only had five minutes, at the most, to furiously blink to dry my eyes. I cleared my throat and sat up straight. I was not going to cry to my podiatrist as he looked at my fractured foot. No, I was not going to give in to the tears. I was not going to look at the calendar.  Nope. Not Happening.  Not today.

But, it happened.  I thought about the milestones that would have been met by now. I thought about how big my belly would be. I thought about the Halloween costumes we would have purchased. I thought about the “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that I wanted on our tree.  I thought about my babies. Babies.

Then I cried.  I sat in a restroom stall at work and cried. After a few minutes, I pulled out my bag and re-applied my makeup. Then, I sat for a few more minutes to let the redness on my face subside a bit. And, finally, I stood up and limped back to my desk. I hate my boot. I then proceeded to be in a terrible mood for the next few hours and I blamed it all on my foot. My foot and this stupid boot.

And, then I talked to my Jesus.

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Embracing Victories

“. . .We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. . .”

1 Corinthians 4:8-9

So, there I am cruising down Rivers Avenue during afternoon rush hour on the first week of school being back in session.  Okay, just kidding, I wasn’t cruising down Rivers. I was doing more of a sloppy salsa basic – you go forward, no I go forward, wait why are you actually backing up to me – with the truck in front of me, but you get the idea.

Back to it, I’m cruising and then the aha moment comes upon me.  I’m doing pretty okay today. If you know our story, you know that we’ve had multiple miscarriages during our relationship and being okay is a pretty big deal. It’s not to say that I still don’t have moments of sadness or throw a pillow out of frustration at my husband’s head. Sorry, babe.

It does mean that embracing victories, even the smallest ones, deserves a satisfactory nod when I look in the mirror. Here are my recent victories. . .

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Be Still. Surrender. Wait. Repeat.

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

It’s been two weeks.  I’m still working through my grief.

The denial only lasted a few hours.  Was she sure there wasn’t a heartbeat?

The anger still peaks it’s nasty head out every now and then. Why didn’t you intercede?

The bargaining mirrors an addict begging for one more taste. Lord, just give me a baby and we’ll share your good works with him. Just one baby.

The depression still lingers. I walk into the nursery every morning and just let the tears fall.

And, acceptance. There’s nothing I can do to change it, so I simply accept our loss and tuck away all baby items into a plastic tote until we see our future baby’s heartbeat once again.

While this is all still happening, I’ve asked him questions. . .

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