Be still, and know that I am God.
Our baby’s heart stopped beating. We found that out at our 11 week check-up appointment with our doctor. We lost our baby. Baby looked strong. I was healthy. It just wasn’t our time, but I find some comfort in knowing that our baby is with God.
My heart is full of an anguish that I’ve known before. Yes, Matthew and I have previously experienced a loss and we sadly chose to walk through that alone. Our soon-to-be nursery still has items that we will save for our next baby – whether through creating one or waiting for God to call us to adoption – and I won’t be able to step in there for a little while. I need to remove some washi tape that has “baby” scribbled on it with a Sharpie marker from my planner. I have a mental to-do list for payments that I need refunded for prenatal yoga classes and onesies that need to be tucked away for future use. Yet, God is calling us to be still. . .
When God wants to speak to you, He does and you’ll know it. Over the last eleven weeks, I’ve felt God pulling me closer. Over the last week, I’ve felt Him tugging me even closer for quiet time and one-and-one time with Him. I now know why.
He’s silent with us today. I know He has us in His hands, but He’s quiet. I know He feels our same pain, but He’s quiet. I know He sheds tears for our loss, but He’s quiet. I know He hears our cries, but He’s quiet.
When we found out, we continuously mentioned one name. . .God.
“God is good.”
“God has a plan.”
“God is with us.”
“Our baby is with God.”
God is. God is. That is where our hope remains.
This week we were listening to Rick Warren’s latest podcast sermon. It centered around learning how to pray for surrender and ultimately surrendering to His will. Our will was to become parents this year. Our will was to have a baby to call our own. We thought our will aligned with His will. We may have been wrong and it simply isn’t our time. So, now we wait for Him to reveal His will. We pray that we continue to yearn for His embrace during this time. We pray that He blesses our marriage because we know what tragedy can do to marriages. We pray for the serenity that only He can give. We hope you’ll pray for us, too.
The next few weeks will be difficult as we make a trip to the hospital, put away baby items and attempt to move on. We love our God and we know He loves us far more and that He will not let us walk alone, yet that doesn’t mean we aren’t human or we will not feel a certain loneliness. Through it all, we know how great is our God and how He will fulfill His promises to us. We find hope that one day we will no longer feel this pain and that we will once again meet our babies in Heaven.
Now, I’d like to ask for a special prayer request for the families that have previously experienced loss or multiple losses. Just pray for God to embrace them and that someone can share His love with them should they not be believers.
Oh, and I do have a favor. If you see Matt and I, please feel free to give us a hug. We’re not very affectionate people outside of our home, but a hug would be nice. . .even if Matt looks uncomfortable with it (I just made myself giggle with that).
In God’s Love,
Matthew & Ashley